Real Love

Drew: “it’s important to be wary of people who act different in different rooms” … or when certain people are present … or absent

(20:20) “I thought forgiveness was a gift to someone else. You forgiving them was giving them a gift. I suppose it is. I never knew that there is an irony of all ironies of that you are finally liberated. And you can’t forgive to get the liberation, cuz it’s fake and you don’t get reward. You have to truly literally go, ‘I, with every part of me, authentically and without wanting anything in return, I’m not even thinking about myself, I just forgive. I forgive you I forgive this.’ Then all of a sudden you’re like, oh no now I feel really good, how weird but if I’ve ever tried to forgive something in to feel better it doesn’t work. It’s not a technique. I also found the ultimate form of liberation is change, like stopping drinking for me.

I was so held back by this one thing my whole life that I swear I would master, that why wouldn’t I be convinced that I’m not capable of change? Because I couldn’t change it. So I’m just a failure in my inner voice and narrative. My only evidence in front of me is you are not capable of change because you haven’t changed this thing. And then once I did it was like, suddenly I believe that I’m capable of change. These things are symptoms, they’re not the only problem, you can’t like stop something that isn’t working for you and everything else falls into place, there’s like a lot of work around it that has to be done.

The point wasn’t that if you stopped drinking all your problems are going to go away, it’s like we just can’t get to the work, the shame, the guilt, and like patterns … it’s going to prevent us from getting to the next level, so I’m out. I knew he was right.

(22:46) Most therapists are like, ‘oh you’re so broken, fantastic, I’ll see you next week. I still have a JOB.’

So I think if you’re seeking guidance, wisdom, therapy, spiritual leadership, whatever you are seeking out in this world, if you sense that person continues to feed and not help you grow and is fine with you staying in the same place, I don’t think that’s a good sign.

(26:20) Nobody wants to talk about death and dying. I want to know what is the B side of my life, that is not so corroded with guilt and shame and beating myself up all the time. People are like ‘you seem so positive,’ I’m like you have no idea what I’m dealing with on the inside, it is so hard and heavy some days.

(32:30) I want to encourage other people to not sit on things, but discuss it, be bold and not afraid of what other people are thinking and feeling when they’re digesting your deepest stuff. Letting out secrets can be really liberating, and I still feel like I have plenty and I’m just now willing to even look at some. Secrets in being afraid of what people are going to think it’s not good, it’s not good at all.

(33:08) What made it feel safe? The truth. The truth and the honesty and the lack of judgment. That’s what made it safe. I think truth is what leads to safety.

(53:46) ‘Today who do you want to be?’ We had a couple on the show 100 years of age they had been married I think 80 years, and their wisdom was when you’re getting in a row, or a fight, take a time out. When you see yourself rising, when that blood starts to boil, when you start to clench and freak and and get spun out, instead of spewing that reaction, and like Linda Blair exorcist all over the room, I will have such regret for any type of moment I have like that, that I want to become master of the person who knows how to excuse themselves, walk away, take a deep breath. I have breathe written on my wrist in tattoo, and I still forget to look at it. Like, after 1 rich deep breath, after 1 removal, after one time out, come come back after 1 walk away, you are not going come back (usually) as spun out.

So I think for me that is probably the goal du jour in my life right now, is like behavior mastery.

Watch Drew Barrymore On: If You Struggle To Find And Keep Real Love if the embed does not behave nicely.

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